Besides being able to dress ourselves in outfits that are mostly stain free, covers our nipples, and hides our crotch, there is not much we understand about fashion.
Without the right advice and an acknowledgement our limitations, most men leave their homes looking like a low ranking Somali pirate. Although, a rusty sabre at your side and a RPG rocket launcher strapped to your shoulder will excite a certain type of woman, it is a look you want to avoid.
Men need to expand their clothing and style range, and must avoid clothing accessories they believe impresses women, but only looks good to other guys.
I am woman hear me roar
Women are born with an innate sense of fashion. Even if they fail to refine this skill, they can call upon their ancient mystic powers to weave themselves into a presentable and fashionable state at any moment.
As evidence of this ability, I refer the reader to a critical scene in the pre-3D James Cameron cinematic masterpiece, True Lies. In the scene Helen Tasker (played by the delightful Jamie Lee Curtis) must seduce an Egyptian arms merchant. Instantly, she transforms herself from a blandly dressed housewife into a sexy seductress.
Being a semi-professional Geneticist, I am fairly confident that the fashion gene is carried in the extra “X” chromosome that somehow wedges out the “Y” chromosome during conception. The “Mary Kay Gene,” as I prefer to call it, allows a woman to distract attention away from bad hair, bloating and Elephantiasis and refocus it towards extremely large hoop earrings or drawn in eyebrows.
Woman have used thousands of years of research to perfect the use and proper application of makeup, jewellery, hair clips, neon plastic bracelets, and Spanks. In contrast men mastered only three fashion elements. In order of importance, these accessories are baseball caps, sunglasses and running shoes.
You might think jackets can be added to this list of accessories, but you would be wrong. As evidence, I refer the reader to the once popular Members Only jackets of the 80’s, Oakland Raiders winter wear of the 90’s and the NASCAR team jackets of the 00’s.
As for jewellery, men only have four exceptions to the “No Jewellery Rule,” in order of acceptability these are a professional championship, graduation, Special Forces, or wedding ring. Otherwise, men need to refrain from wearing any pieces of metal around or pierced into their skin.
Facial hair that does not need to be bleached, tweezed or electrocuted
Yet, this beautiful God given ability to stylishly frame our faces is being squandered by a growing minority of men. In 1970’s, fat men, enticed by the potential utopia of double chin camouflage and minimal daily grooming, decided to high jack the full goatee and beard. Moreover, in 1984, all people were banned from using these facial hairstyles except for geeky thin men, magicians, and female circus acts.
Moreover, pencil thin facial hair stenciling was claimed by the insane and stupid in 1994. Also, as everyone knows, moustaches of any length or width were officially declared the domain of law enforcement officers, dictators, perverts, and old European women, in Article 31 of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1948
Also, mixing bad stubble with bad fashion sense usually results in a special fashion category called homeless chic. This style was named after Albert Homeless, who funded his entire fashion line by pan handling the streets in the 6th district of Paris.
Quiet radically, I consider a completely shaved head, like drinking milk on a hot day, a bad choice. First, I was raised in a more intolerant era where baldness pointed to inferior genes. Secondly, bald men tend to remind me of time travellers who come from a future where mankind shed their evolutionary limitations of vocal communication, and the pinkie finger.
Time to walk the catwalk gentlemen
Take away one simple lesson from this article; if you are a man and you wear clothes, then you need to seek fashion help.
Luckily for you, help comes in a range of styles and sizes. If you have a woman who loves you, take advantage of this miracle and plead with them to pick out your clothes, lay them out for you in the morning, and most importantly shower you will insincere praise for any minor accomplishment.
If you have no one willing to reciprocate your love, it is time to find a fashion confidant who will be honest with you. These confidants may include a girl who is willing to enter your apartment without a friend; a group of women who are amused by your desperation, or a non-token homosexual friend. If you choose to bypass these three choices, and instead choose your mom, you deserve whatever punishment awaits you in this cruel world.
If you are like me and fear women and their dark magic, head over to a low pressure retail outlet like the Gap or Old Navy. A helpful sales associate will help you select an outfit that is inexpensive and stylish. Be prepared to buy a set of clothing that you can mix and match to produce a complete wardrobe.
Unless you’re a Patrick Dempsey character from an 80’s movie, avoid ultra-trendy clothing and instead settle for comfortable and casual. Create at least two semi-professional outfits for those times you really want to impress the ladies or your token gay friends.
There is no reason to throw out your Air Jordans, but try to eliminate any “when in doubt” dependency on your of collection caps, shades and sportswear.
Always aim for a simple wardrobe that makes you feel confident and complete, even on a bad hair day.